“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” By some fat Anonymous person
Sometimes, when I’m not eating my own nails down to the knuckles because I’m absolutely seriously dying for a bit of chocolate, it’s easy. Sometimes I can do it. If I concentrate really, super hard, until little beads of sweat threaten to appear on my brow line, I can say no to chocolate. Then I think it’s a walk in the park, I’m going to fly through this and what was I thinking about last week when I inhaled all that chocolate? I’m running 3 to 4 times a week and loving it. Feeling great, on top of the world in fact. So how can I manage without chocolate one week, but not the next? I’ll tell ya. Bloody female hormone levels. In other words, Mother Nature, darling. When it’s day 24 in the Big Bird’s house you will find me gearing up for a choc fest as my mood is usually pretty foul too so I take comfort in chocolate during this time. Then I’ll try to reverse the damage by going for a few runs but some weeks there is a lot of damage caused. Boredom is a huge problem. Now don’t get me wrong. I’m kept going by the lads. I don’t get a minute and they still wait till I’m nicely settled before asking me to do something/get something for them. I swear it’s out of spite. Boredom can be a factor sometimes for me, in the eating stakes. It’s like, “Right, I’ve finished 77 jobs what will I do now? Oh, I know. I’ll eat. I’ll eat that large Galaxy I’ve got in the fridge.” I don’t want it, not really, but I’ll eat it anyway. Then of course, naturally, there is no point stopping once the packet is open. I also have a silly habit of not eating breakfast and then, how did that happen? It’s 11am and I swear I can hear the Kit Kats singing in the press. Or I’ll look out the window, see a large rock or something and suddenly remember I’ve got two croissants stashed in the other press. And if I’m really, really quick, I’ll be able to saw them in half, slather on some Nutella and eat them. Before the Screecher Creatures smell them. It’s not just morning time that torments me with little sugar cravings. 2pm, right after dinner, can be dangerous as hell too. There’s always room for more. I had a little light bulb moment during the week. Like all the good stuff, it’s simple and effective and I have no idea how this did not occur to me before. Caring, folks, is sharing. But not in the context we know it. Look at it from another view point. Sharing can also halve your calorie intake. Eureka! I have already admitted to using the fridge door as a shield while I lorry condensed fat in the form of chocolate behind it. I’ve told myself several times I am going to be screwed when the boys finally realise their mammy doesn’t drink milk so there must be another reason for all the quality time she spends in the fridge. This week, in an effort to lose my half pound, I made a herculean attempt to share my goodies with the Screecher Creatures. Don’t ever give something up, especially a treat. There is absolutely no point in being a martyr. I am your only woman for devouring a large bag of Maltesers or peanut M&M’s once the bags are opened, but in my experience, completely cutting something out will only serve to make you want it more. Eat half of it. And again I reckon this only works if there is someone there with you to actually eat the other half. It doesn’t work sealing up the damned thing and putting it “away for later.” We all know “away for later” will be precisely two minutes later. No better hoovers than my boys, so I’m sharing with them. Ok, so it’s a case of a piece for you, two pieces for me but it’s early days and I can’t be fairer than that. Did I mention the other feeding frenzy? No? Well there was one. Not mine I hasten to add. The boys. Maybe it was a growth spurt or just a mad, crazy and terrifying omen for how expensive my grocery shop is going to become when they’re teenage gannets. I had to stop them eating at 11.30 am one morning as I wanted them to eat the roast chicken dinner I was making. They. Just. Did. Not. Stop. It made me think of a time when I used to beg Screecher Creature No. 1 to eat something. The child had a wide and varied diet of cardboard, newspaper, tissues, books, and the odd yogurt. The recycling pile used to live in fear of the 13 month old crawling towards it. I thought I would never see the day when he would eat proper food. For the last while he has been complaining about not being able to handle certain foods due to his gabby gob due to the multiple extractions two weeks ago. I feel for him, I do but at the same time wish I had his problem. He lost a milk tooth this week too and was delighted with himself. Until he remembered there was yet another hole in which to trap Rice Krispies and make it difficult for him to chew meat. My week wasn’t all about avoiding food or the fridge. It really wasn’t, it just seems like it. I was good. Ish. Like I said, I’m not a great fan of depriving myself. I got out for a run most nights. I was sensible. Ish. I did have my treats but I didn’t go mad. Like many a school report I could mention, I tried but I probably could have tried harder. Now all I have to do is hop up on the aul scales for the grand reveal. I haven’t done that yet because the car is in the shop and it won’t be ready till Friday. I will admit to being a tad curious and I did ask myself earlier what I’ll do if I’ve gained? I won’t lie. That’s a promise.
P.S. The following do not work. (i) Brushing your teeth whenever you feel like eating your body weight in chocolate in order to “purge the urge.” It just makes the chocolate taste awful. Come on! Why would you do that to an innocent piece of chocolate? (ii) Waiting a couple of minutes before you cave in to your nasty carnal chocolate desires. Tis a load of hokum! All that is is a red misty, crazed couple of minutes when all you can see are little miniature bits of chocolate floating before your eyes before you start binging. (iii) Sticking a photograph of your good skinny self, up on the fridge door. It might work for a nano second but you’ll only end up telling your former self that you looked miserable so I’m going to cheer me up with some chocolate.
P.P.S. The following will work. (i) Pouring salt or wash up liquid onto dinner leftovers. But that would be a sinful waste of good food. Not to mention the salt and the wash up liquid.
August 2012 - eleven stone three and a half pounds. 9th August – eleven stone!!!!!! Please don't kill me but somehow, somewhere during the last 9 days I shifted three whole pounds. I told you this sharing is caring lark works!!! Now, I'll probably slow down again next week because like I mentioned, a lot of that would be holiday weight and fluid retention. I still have a half stone to go, but yes, can I admit to being pleased? I've raised the bar now and the pressure is on to keep going!!