That time of year again, eh?
Tell me about it.
It’s that time of year again where Mister Husband and I get
to go shopping for a couple of hours by ourselves. Well, I get to go shopping and he has the
enviable job of carrying my stuff.
It is also a time of
change. On a daily basis, no fek it, on
an hourly basis I can be heard
bawling at the Awesome Foursome to “please stop
fighting with each other,“ and “Stop shouting!!”
Ironically I’m usually shouting this a whole ten decibels louder than
And the tree is up. Somehow
I think “stop fighting with each other, for god sake” will be replaced with
“shut the door. The dog is eating the
The joys, Santy, the joys.
And there are many of them. Don’t
get me wrong. But I won’t bore you with them at this precise moment in time as
I understand you are a busy man.
So I will cut straight to the point and help lighten your load a
little bit, ok? I’m like that, see? Nice and helpful. So take note.
These are the things/yokes/useless toys I do not want to see on
Christmas Day. It’s a bit of a long list
so have your red pen at the ready. I’ll
start off with the nice and easy to remember, as obvious as the nose on Rudolph’s
Cuddly toys. About as useful
as an ashtray on a motorbike. Awful dirt
and dust catching things. Our cuddly
toys, the ones that have managed to escape the dustbin, are out in the garden
for the dog to chew on. Just, I don’t know, leave them on the roof or
Next on the list is anything that makes noise or has flashing
lights. I have four kids. Count them.
Four. They are soft and pliable,
not plasticy. They may not flash. Oh wait, one of them does. But they are
noisy. All of them. I do not want to add to that mayhem ok? Leave the noisy yokes behind.
Battery operated items that require a dolls screwdriver to open
are next on the hit list. I have big person’s
hands. Ones that are starting to seize
up and it is next to impossible for me to open these gadgets and stick in a
Glittery stuff, play doh, any toy that blows out bits of tissue
paper requiring the child to catch them with a net (WTF is that all about?) follow as big no-no’s.
I’ll let you away with Lego even though Lego breaks all of the
above rules. Except the glitter
one. Lego is indeed, made of small parts
that require an adults assistance to assemble, but Lego, to give it its due,
So that’s the what not to give the kids. I bet you’re wondering what the jingle bells can they have.
I’ve given my say so on Lego.
Books are always a winner. In particular those of the encyclopaedic
variety. The solar system and dinosaurs
are not far behind. Please though, try
and keep the Peppa Pig ones to a minimum.
Be advised that anything with lift up flaps will be eaten by the
They love to draw so anything in that area would also be a
hit. The best part of my Christmas
morning was never the “big” toys, rather the stocking that was bulging with
unidentifiable shapes. If you want to
throw a few novelty pencils, some stickers, chocolate coins, new socks and
underpants, I won’t stop you.
Oh, keeping them away from the comics in the supermarket hurts
them more than it hurts me so if you have a spare twenty quid after all of
that, pick them up some. Word of warning
though; the older two should have the same ones. Liam will be happy with that pig creation
Peppa, Mike the Knight or some such.
What’s that Santa? What
would I like? I am so glad you
OK, let’s see. Again, not
too difficult. Sometimes I think I would
like a mid-life crisis but realistically I know I would fall asleep during it
and mortify myself.
I asked for time last year, didn’t I? I am a creature of habit it seems as guess
what big guy? It’s back up there on the
best seller list again this year.
I have enough Stuff. I
never thought I would hear myself say that.
But I do. I could stuff a second
house with all the Stuff I have. Stuff
that has not seen the light of day for two years or longer. Stuff that I never wear nor have use
I honestly would prefer for the kids to get their Stuff. I, on the other hand, would like time very,
very much indeed.
Just a half hour. Maybe
forty minutes every day over the holidays to get out into the fresh air for a
run to clear the head and the lungs.
If you could also see to it that my new running shoes
(Green!!!!! Eeeeeeeeppppp!!!!) are in
stock by the weekend, I would be very happy indeed.
That’s all. I am a simple soul with simple needs.
Oh, wait! I knew there was
one other thing.
I’m not sure if it’s you or some other fictitious character I
should be thanking for this but we are fortunate enough as a family to enjoy
Two, maybe three, visits to the doctor over the last 12 months for
very minor complaints have been the height of it this year for us.
I would most definitely like that to continue for 2013. I would quite happily give up my requests for
time and green running shoes for this to happen.
And finally, definitely
lastly, if I’m asking for stuff; Santa,
all I really want for 2013 is a fat bank
account and a skinny body. Let’s try not to mix the two up like you did last
Ok, so I kind of robbed that one, Santy. I saw it on Facebook and it really tickled me
so I thought I’d stick it in here. You
don’t mind do you?
But if you are into
granting wishes, you might just keep that in mind all the same.
Just chancing my arm there.
I’ll let you get back to it.
Cheers Big Guy. All the
best and please, please don’t forget
to visit my gorgeous boys!!