Friday 2 December 2011

Close Encounters of an Alien Kind

So Stephen Hawking has said that there are other life forms out there.  I don't doubt him.  I've been saying that for nearly six years.   That's how old our firstborn is.  It is not a coincidence that his birth date and my belief in aliens coincide. 
Out there is Another Planet, with the same postal code as my Happy Place, and it is inhabited by Other Mothers.  They are a strangely attractive bunch despite being of an alien appearance.
You know that Yummy Mummy on the school run?  The one with matching shoes and accessories, both eyelids dusted with perfectly blended eye shadow, just out of the salon hair, and nicely manicured nails?  Her?  Well, on Another Planet we all look like that.  Perfectly turned out on any given morning. Without having to be up before the kids to achieve it.  And how is this possible?
Because on Another Planet we have evolved.  We are in possession of that extra pair of eyes and hands.  And what’s more, Mother Evolution has seen to it that they are discreet and move independently.  Nor do they frighten small Alien Children.
These extra pair of hands are, naturally enough, attached to the extra pair of arms (come on!  How else would they work?) and are neatly compartmentalised under the predecessor pair.  All hidden from view.  It's all about aesthetics, don't you know.  Think Elasto Girl in The Incredibles and you'd be on the right track. 
So, you're busy stirring the spag bol at the cooker (I know, some things never change) and Jnr. is tormenting the cat.  Behind you.  Without missing a stir, you call upon one of your extra appendages and clip him around the ear. Without turning around.   And you saw this how? Well, your extra pair of eyes, of course.  These are positively bionic in their design.  They'd have to be because they are literally in the back of your head, hidden under your just out of the salon hair as mentioned earlier. All of this is borne from generations and generations of Earth Mothers sarcastically asking their children did they look like they had eyes in the back of their heads and dutifully reminding them that they only have one pair of hands.   On Another Planet, there is always someone listening to the requests of beleaguered mothers.                                  And another thing.  Our babies.  Forget that phenomenon about some babies being born with a tooth or two.  On Another Planet, our babies are born not with a measly tooth.  These will come in good time.  No. Our kids can talk.  Match that!  Granted they are born with just 5 words, but they are very crucial ones. These are Hungry and Tired.  And the most important ones of all?       Feel. Like. Crap.   5 words.
So, Mr. Hawking, I hear you.  But everyone just laughed at me................ 

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