Monday, 9 January 2012

My Big Bang Theory

What did you all think of Rachel Allen catching her St. Stephen’s Day din dins and then putting the news up in pictorial format on her Face Book?  The first thing I thought was, “Rachel can shoot?  Cool!” and straight off the back of that I thought, “Oh, oh, Rachel. You silly moo!”  She left herself wide open and I think she was doubly unfortunate in that it happened to be a slow week in the news.  I’m all for a [small] bit of controversy in order to gain notoriety but I’m also wondering if she can really shoot.   Mister Husband reckons she probably can but I’m not so sure.   I could be wrong of course; it’s been known to happen.  She has a new book to promote, doesn’t she?   I haven’t bought her last three and out of all the others that are stored under the stairs, I can count on one hand the number of recipes that I’ve tried from all of them.  Mostly desserts too!  But when I heard, on the radio, about the furore her Face Book picture caused, I straight away went to have a gander.  Because they said Rachel shot the birds.  I was impressed.  I admit it, I was.  I love when I find out something unexpected about someone.  It makes me look at them in a different light.  I suppose you could say they go up in my estimation.   I have a very casual acquaintance who is a total earth mother.  She co-sleeps, home schools, long term breastfeeds, makes and bakes for farmers markets, the whole sustainable lot.  She makes me hang my head in shame.  And then I discovered that she is a huge fan of heavy metal music.  It completely belies her mother earth persona which is as cool as you can get anyway, but this revelation just adds to her appeal.  And that is why I think the Rachel thing has been dished up to give her a little bit of an edge.  (Did you see what I did there?  Did ya?)  Rachel is nice and all but she’s no Nigella. So that’s why the glass half empty side of me was suspicious over the whole thing.  And then I thought, if I were to go on a mad PR junket, what could I reveal about myself that would make people sit up and take notice, maybe look at me in a different light. Well, I swam with dolphins once.  No, not Fungi, smart arse down the back.  Although I loved seeing him in the flesh too.  I swam with wild dolphins in New Zealand.  In the sea and everything.  I can hold that note on Bill Withers Lovely Day easily enough.  I can!  I make a mean batch of cookies; you can order them with Smarties on top or with cranberries and white chocolate.  I’ve never, ever smoked.  Not even experimentally.  I speak three languages; English, bitching and moaning.  I can touch my nose with my tongue.   There is a big black hole in my memory where I have absolutely no recollection of 2 whole days in December about 20 years ago.  I was in an accident and still can’t remember what happened.   I have a massive scar on my knee where it was smashed open in that accident and I like to tell nosey kids that I got bitten by a shark. I used to work in a convent.  And I loved it.   I have a fear of numbers and couldn’t tell the time till I was about 10.  I’ve never seen Rocky or The Champ.  I’d love to finish this one up with a massive disclosure like I indulge in a spot of taxidermy during the weekends or repair bungee jump cords but I don’t do anything of the sort.  I am perfectly “nice and normal.”  Hey, looks like I have something in common with Ms. Allen after all.  I wonder if she were to Sellotape a semi-automatic to the cover of her new book would it sell any quicker.  Still, if her cook books dry up, at least she will be able to hunt down her food to feed her family.  I’d have to sneak up on mine, scream my head off to stun it and then pounce!