Questions I have asked the boys: (This is not a definitive list)
a. What do you want to eat? Answered with: A treat.
b. Did you clean your teeth? Answered with: Brendan put my toothbrush down the toilet.
c. Why did you do that to your brother? Answered with: Coz he was annoying me!
d. Would you like if someone did that to you? Answered with: A sullen look like I’ve just asked the most stupidest question in infinity!
e. Where are your shoes/clothes/schoolbag? Answered with: Dunno. Wherever you put them. (!!!!!)
f. How many times have I asked you to knock? It’s called privacy remember? Answered with: It’s not. It’s the bathroom!
g. Does that chair look like a trampoline? Answered with: (See d. above)
h. Why didn’t you finish your dinner? Answered with: Coz I don’t like that stuff. It doesn’t taste like nanas.
i. Who left that there? Answered with: Conor!Iarla!Liam! All shouted over each other or (b) Not me!
j. Do you know what time it is? You won’t be able to get up in the morning. Answered with: Yes, I will. No, you won’t. Yes, I will. No. You won’t. (Yes, he couldn’t!)
Questions other people have asked me: (This is not a definitive list)
a. Do they break stuff? Answered with: We have decided not to put anything nice in the house until the youngest is 16!
b. Do they fight/sleep/get on with each other? Answered with: Yes. No. yes/no.
c. Why are they called the Screecher Creatures? Answered with: Eh………….
d. Are you going to “go for” The Girl? Answered with: No. I am going to go for a baby. The answer in my head is unprintable!
e. They’re all boys? Answered with: They sure are! But what I really want to say is: What? Are you sure? But I left the house with 4 girls!!!!
f. Are they all yours? Answered with: No. I picked the smallest one up on the side of the road! (I don’t say this. Again, it’s what I want to say)
g. Do you have a social life? Answered with: Yes, I go to the supermarket.
h. Do you not miss a drink? Answered with: No. I drink tea now. Wine used to give me the warm and fuzzies all the way down to my toes. Now tea has the same effect. Cheaper too.
i. Do you get a lie on? Answered with: No. (I don’t elaborate. It’s a stupid question in the first place.)
Things I have told the boys: (This is not a definitive list)
a. Put that down! This could be in reference to; each other, rocks and/or a sharp object.
b. Stop that! Again, this could be in reference to battering one another, picking their (own) noses, climbing up on and jumping off the furniture, drawing on the walls, the baby paddling in the toilet, hurling the only two cushions we have left around the room, and a myriad of other things.
c. It’s not an ice-cream van. It’s an ambulance. This one is pretty self-explanatory.
d. Watch the car! We could be anywhere. And it could be anyone’s car!
e. Shut the door! Again, we could be anywhere. And occasionally it’s the bathroom door I am pleading with them to close.
f. You can’t go to the pool today. Because it’s Sunday and that’s the day they pull out the stopper to clean it. One of my many bad mammy examples.
g. Wait for me! Opening the car door when we are in a parking lot is akin to opening a box of frogs; they just go everywhere.
h. Did you hear what I said? Repeat as necessary. To no avail as not only do they not hear what I have just said, they also do not care!
i. Please go to sleep! There is no big bad wolf. Why? Because he’s afraid of your daddy! He won’t touch you! Because, just because, now please go to sleep. Look, do you see this wooden block? If the big bad wolf comes in here, which he won’t because he is afraid of your daddy, I will throw this block at him. I know you’re not allowed throw………………lookit, it’s a special block that can only be thrown at the big bad wolf, alright. Now. Please! Go to sleep!
j. Be careful/gentle with your little brother! Repeat according to relevance. Screecher Creature No. 1 uses Screecher Creature No. 2 as a wrestling partner. Cue loud screams and cries of miserable protest. Screecher Creature No. 3, I fear, thinks Screecher Creature No. 4 is his personal play thing.
k. Stop fighting/shouting/throwing stuff! A complete total and utter waste of my very limited and valuable time. You’d think I’d learn.
l. Pick that up please. Applies to everything from pieces of food, to discarded items of underwear, to toys, shoes, cushions, welly boots and literally everything else.
m. Wipe your feet/Take off your boots/Don’t trek that dirt in over my floor! /Put it in the laundry! It is said that the more you hear something, particularly, an order, the less likely you are to respond to it. Must be true!
n. You didn’t get that there! This is a sneaky one. It is usually what I say to Mister Husband when he “forgets” to put stuff up after him. How does he expect his kids to learn if he refuses to lead by example?
o. I don’t know. Ask your daddy. This one is going to come in handy when the “where do babies come from” questions and answers session starts. Already Screecher Creature No. 2 has expressed mild unhappiness with my explanation on why mammies and girls don’t have willies! (Iarla, it’s really not a conspiracy theory. It’s true! And I can so do my wee’s. Just not like you can. So there!)
p. What’s that? That’s an, em, that’s actually an iron. Yes, I know nana has one of those. How does it work? Good question. (I hold my hand up. The Screecher Creatures have never seen me iron. Except one of them once upon a time and it was so long ago he has forgotten all about it. Come on! Who irons in this day and age?)
q. Someday, yes. No, not Sunday. Someday. In response to requests for trips to the shop, the zoo, the pool, the park, buying a tiger (!!!) and having play dates.
r. Because I said so. It used to drive me mental when my own Wonderful Mammy said this. It is not an answer to a perfectly valid question. It just serves to infuriate and frustrate the small person who is all-seeking. But I still say it and I reckon I will be saying it for a long time to come.
This is just a small selection of all the questions I get asked. If I were to put them all down I’d be here all day.