Friday 8 June 2012

Slo Mo

So I’ve been wearing away a part of the main road outside my house for the last 6 months or so.  And walking it for the 6 months prior to that.  I am on my second (expensive) pair of runners and I have a drawer filled with clothes that contain more Lycra than should be allowed.  (That stuff shows up everything!) I possess two snappily titled Shock Absorbers and a rather large collection of “running socks.”  I am almost 3 stone lighter than I was this time last year.  I say almost because that pesky best part of a half stone is hanging on for dear life.  I also have one question: when is the wagon going to start feeling wonderful?  See, according to Ray D’Arcy, he of Today FM fame, and Ruth Field, author of the oft lauded (on my blog anyway) Run Fat Bitch Run phenomenon, your life will change as a result of your new hobby: running.  You will feel wonderful.  It may not happen straight away, in fact it probably won’t.  You’ll still feel like shit for a while, a big, huffing and puffing, gasping pile of lard.  And then, according to them, there will be a shift, a massive transition and you will be left wondering how you lived before.  You will realise, that you hadn’t been living before, merely existing.  You will have renewed vigour; experience a great new lease of life.  Morning will dawn and you will be up and at ‘em like never before.  Get out of the way world, coz here she comes! Eh, when?  Answer me that!  I’ve been at this running lark for nigh on six months now and, yes, I am reaping the benefits health wise, but I still feel like I weigh a ton inside.  I am still waiting to experience the Duracell bunny on speed vibe.  I’m bloody like Solpadine in reverse, me!   Today for example I lay down with Screecher Creature No. 3 to encourage him to have a nap.  Guess who fell asleep first?  Yes, me! And stayed there for over an hour.  Screecher Creature No. 1 had to come in search.  Not out of concern over my disappearance; he was wanting an ice-cream but still, I fell asleep!  I could happily do this most days.  My 3 o’clock slump comes to visit at around midday and I’m left with the unwelcome guest for the rest of the day. You know Dr. Doolittle and the way he could talk to the animals?  Well, I’m kind of like that too.  Except it’s not animals I have riveting conversations with; it’s couches.  I swear I can hear them talking to me.  I’ll be walking past one and I’ll hear a soft, “Hey!”  Honest to god.  Naturally enough I’ll pause to hear more and then I get hit with the full on sales pitch.  “Go on.  You know you want to.  Just for a second.  Lie down.  I’m lovely, so I am.  All nice and soft and comfy.”  Sometimes they wink at me.  (So in case you’re keeping count, that’s chocolate and couches I’m on literal speaking terms with.)  Isn’t exercise supposed to help this little oxymoron?  In theory you’re too tired to work out but once you persevere on a regular basis, pretty soon you’re full of energy.   I reckon it’s a myth.  Last night I made friends with Davina McCall again.  For the first time in 5 months or more, I did a 20 minute workout as I haven’t been getting out to run at all this week.  It was great to get back to it and I really enjoyed myself; me and my almost 3 pound weights pulling the arms out of me.  I thought I was going to be in bits this morning but I wasn’t.  Until about 11am that is.  About 6 hours after rising, my tummy muscles and my "glutes" - arse in layman’s terms - woke up and were killin’ me.    What's the deal with that????  The last time I did a work out class I was told I'd be grand the next day, but expect to feel the burn the day after that again.  That didn’t happen then but it's burnin' right now.  In a sadistic kind of way, I like it; at least it's working.   I get regular e-mails sent to me from Runners World bursting with tips on nutrition and how to beat the drain.  Facebook is excellent for keeping me up to date on the Couch to 5k but none of them have offered any insight into the Emergence of The New Me.  How much longer do I have to wait?  I have a niggling suspicion it probably won’t appear until the 5am wake up calls are finished. It is also quite possible the delay is partly due to crap eating habits, too many sweet treats to up the sugar levels and not enough square meals at proper times of the day.  This week I also reacquainted myself with another old friend. Pinot Grigio.  It’s been a long time, about seven years in fact.  We’ve a lot of catching up to do but we made good headway over the last few nights.  I suspect this will also delay The New Me.  But while it’s teeming down rain outside, someone’s little weather joke, I am going to get properly reacquainted with Davina, closely followed by a nice glass of chilled white wine and if the mood takes me, recline on the talking couch.  I just hope it doesn’t bitch too much about that extra half stone I’m carrying.  Now, where’s that wine?                   

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