Sunday 3 May 2015

Royal Baby Ponderings

So a little princess came into the world over the weekend.  Apparently she is going to be worth billions to the British economy.  £150 million a year by all accounts.  She will be worth £1 billion by the time she’s ten years old.

So no pressure then.  Absolutely none.  She can be seen in the same outfit twice.  It will be fine to be photographed with teething spotty rashy cheeks and drool everywhere.  A bad hair day will be overlooked.  And acne will never rear its problematic miserable head because whoever heard of a spotty teenage princess?  It makes our own angst ridden years seem almost idyllic, doesn’t it?

I’m sure you saw pictures of Kate looking absolutely amazing standing on the steps of her maternity hospital mere hours after giving birth; resplendent in heels, full makeup and not a stray hair anywhere.  Absolutely stunning.  Would that we all looked similar after giving birth.  Some of us were still hooked up to catheters and drips and had kankles.  Maybe even still have kankles.    Not something you want splashed all over social media.

It did make me wonder though, having four kids myself and covering all of the birthing scenarios, did Kate really want to be out there so soon?  Yes, she was fulfilling one of her many royal duties but the only thing you want to do after growing and birthing an eight pounder is gaze at them with a pile of magazines and chocolate at your bedside.  You can do without the added stress of leaky boobs and uncomfortable maternity pads.  Never mind coming over all woozy on the steps of the hospital and having random bodily fluids leak all over your spring frock as you greet your subjects. 

I wondered about a lot of things the morning after Kate had given birth.  I wasn’t a bit jealous of how gorgeous she looked.  Probably because I had enjoyed a 15 hour sleep the night before and she definitely hadn’t. Unless of course the royal nanny was on hand.  Which she most likely was but even the royalty amongst us have to answer to mother nature and find they are absolutely compelled to perform the most basic of tasks for their new-borns.  So chances are she was up and down answering to her daughter’s beck and call every two hours.

Some other miscellaneous things I pondered were does Kate ever get baby puke down her nursing bra?  Will she call her daughter “George” until she gets used to a new name? What response does she have handy to the “gentleman’s family.  No need to go again,” comments.   How do they divvy up the weekend lie ons? What way did that pre-press shoot conversation in the maternity room go?    Did Kate use the photo shoot as a bartering tool and tell Wills “yes,” but only if he agreed to give her all of the lie on privileges for the next six months.

I wonder will the words “George! Get OFF your little sister!” ever be screeched in the palace.  And does George scribble on the walls in biro and try to shove a crayon up the royal dog’s bum?  Is Kate like the rest of us and does she change into a tracksuit or pyjamas at the end of a long day and make toast for tea?  Does she cheat and stand into the shower, roll up her trouser legs and hang her head upside down to wash her hair because she couldn’t be bothered to have a full shower?  When it all becomes a little bit too much in the coming weeks, will Kate round on Wills and demand to be reminded which of the royal “we” thought two under two was a good idea. 

At the time of writing no royal Pink Princess name had been decided upon.  I wonder how that conversation went?  Because apparently the Queen has to grant approval.  And we commoners thought we had problems?

And the burning question:  does Kate pop open a beer and hand it to Wills when the kids are in bed?  Does she enjoy one?  Is The Good Wife on Netflix?  House of Cards or are they fans of The Big Bang Theory.

And when one of the kids appears at the top of the stairs looking for a drink of water/to do a wee/another story/ who looks at the other first and offers them a million pounds if they’ll do it?

Or one billion.  In ten years time.


  1. I love that this is the only scenario that I find the "ah brilliant, a little princess" reaction to a new baby girl to be properly appropriate.

    Is the royal mother in law not a moot point? I doubt Camilla gets a say so eh...does it pass up the chain to Granny-in-Law?

    1. Yes, you're right! Getting the queen mixed up with the grannies. *runs off to correct*