Friday, 10 April 2015

Irish Kids During an Irish Mini Heatwave.
Irish kids during an Irish mini heatwave.  In April.  Sigh

Scenario 1.  Wanting to shed all of the clothes.
The first good day appears in the middle of March.  The day before saw howling winds and rains that battered and maimed.  The flowers in the garden are horizontal to the ground, the refuse bins are in the hedge and the trampoline is like a bug on its sorry back.  But the sun has come out.  Wait!  There it is………………no! Gone back behind the cloud.  Give it a minute.  There!  There is is.  Oh wait.  Gone again.  But they want shorts and t-shirts.  It is a waste of perfectly good breath insisting that they will be back in screeching about how cold it is and wanting coats.  After the 73rd time of telling them how mental an idea it is, a rogue child decides to go and find the summer wear himself.   The crazy thing is, he succeeded.  Now why can’t he find his shoes in the box under the stairs where they always are every other day?

Scenario 2.   Putting on Sun “scream.”
The sun is shining, true, but you still wonder if they really need a bit of sunblock.  You know you should put it on but that would mean having to get up and find the half empty tube from last year.  It could be in The Bag (TM) under the stairs, in the hot press, with the swimming bag, in the pocket thingy in the car, anywhere.   Ah fek it, it’s not even 11am yet.  They’ll be grand.  Won’t they?  But it niggles.  Not only are they irish kids, two of them are of the red haired variety.  They’ll be roasted quicker than a vampire before sundown.  Ah fek this sodding weather and why can’t you ever put the half empty tube of sunblock somewhere handy and accessible for the next year.  Now you have to get several kids into a headlock to apply same.  Not worth it.  But you’d better just in case.   

Scenario 3.  It’s too hot.
The sun is shining and they are all sitting on the couch squabbling in the non cute way only kids can.  You calmly but through gritted teeth suggest they all “pop outside” for a while.  They snarl back they are not for “popping” anywhere as there is there is the most pressing task of Xbox to be getting on with.  Anyway, it’s way too hot out there, hadn’t you noticed.  It isn’t said but there is a definite “duh!” implied.  Little shites. 

Scenario 4.  Feeding them.
So the sun is out and it is time to think about fodder.  Easter weekend is not too far in the ago and in an effort to pack some goodness into them, the oven is turned on and the makings of a roast chicken dinner flung into it.  Shoulda stuck with a salad.  Or smoothies.  Or jam sandwiches.  Even Corn Flakes.  They won’t eat the dinner.  It’s too hot for hot food but the chicken gets devoured and funnily enough hot chocolates are ok too.

Scenario 5.  Time for bed.  Now they want to go out and play.
Their aversion to the sun disappears just as the pyjamas appear.  Suddenly it’s a great idea to go outside. Your mental debate begins; get them straight back inside or just pour that glass of wine.  The wine wins.  You keep half an eye on the water gun.  No way is that going out there; if they want water fun they can bloody well wait till tomorrow!


Scenario 6.  Grubby kids.
Half a bottle of wine o’clock later and it’s definitely time to get them in.  After another twenty minutes and a quick top up, they troop in, complaining and bringing the dirt of the day with them.  You couldn’t be arsed making them shower.  A wash with a wipe will suffice.  The bed linen needs to be done anyway.  It really doesn’t matter that bits of grass, smears of muck and sweat will be ground into the sheets.   No, it doesn’t matter at all.  At least it won’t when the bottle of wine is finished. Maybe you should have handed out that water gun after all.

Scenario 7.  It rains.
They all look at you like it’s your fault the sun has gone.  They wanted to go out and play on the trampoline and spend some time in the play house.  One of them is raging because his bicycle skills needed perfecting.  No, they do not want to go grocery shopping with you.  No, they do not want to see if there is a good film on Netflix.  No!  They most certainly do not want to! Do anything! And you! Can’t make them!


Never mind.  There’s school on Monday.  You won’t even care if it rains.

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